Holy Guacamole!

Football's Grand Finale Is Finally Here

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

Hard to believe it’s been a year since we first posted Conspiracy Sarah’s scathing rant that really scorched fiendish Pfizer’s galling advertisement promoting their benevolent drugs for curing nasty malignancies … neoplasms of their own making, you might say. In case you missed it …

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In scanning the ads planned for this year’s Extravaganza for Rotting Culture, I don’t see any more of those sick Pfizer atrocities in the line-up, so maybe our wild rantings had an effect. Or perhaps they decided to spend that 8 million dollars per 30 second ad on lawyers, since many of us got injured and dead by their safe vaccines and they finally realized the 1986 immunity law counts for squat diddly in the event of criminal behavior. Oopsies.

So, in taking the big pharma hand-off, Novo Nordisk will be promoting their fat cash-cows, Ozempic and Wegovy. This ad should be a big hit with the partiers packing on the pounds around the tailgate and sporting 12-pack abs.

For those who thought they might be spared a rich tennis princess hawking some “Ro”(the drug that’s allegedly huge in her fatty battle), think again. Funny how Serena doesn’t mention any of those pesky Glp-1 side effects. I guess talking nausea, vomiting and diarrhea to the masses cramming nachos, chili dogs and cerveza is just asking for trouble.

Hey get this, sports fans … Novartis is running an ad promoting Prostate Cancer screening, utilizing the superior acting skills of footballers like Gronk Gronkowski and other players of the same position, with the randy double-entendre tag line “Relax your tight end.” Speaking as the owner of a super-sized man-gland that has been biopsied twelve times, I think I can relate …

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Novartis wraps it up with brief clips of guys relaxing their butts (with pants on, thank god for small favors.) I guess I should just shut up and be glad the company didn't try to somehow emulate the cheap and effective screening tool called digital rectal exam.

Being a biopsy survivor, I suppose I should really be on-board with the ad. I’m just not sure what to say to the 5 year old who asks,

“Daddy, why do they droop their booty?”

“Well, little Johnny, it’s like this … whenever a greedy drug person, a bad medical person and a government person love each other very much, they make a baby. And they give it a cute name like Beauty Profit, while the good people call it Big Crim. Then the baby grows up to be rich and powerful and makes people do funny things like relaxing their butt. Don’t worry my boy, the 13 billion dollar market for prostate cancer drugs makes it all hunky-dory.”

“Can we watch the Flintstones now?”

As is always the case for our bloated bacchanalia, the advertising scales are tipped heavily in favor of food and drink, outweighing the fat drug propaganda by a ton. Premier promoter of beer bellies the world over, Budweiser trots out their iconic Clydesdale and trademark Bald Eagle in a heart tugging sequence of the animals becoming besties and doing highly unlikely things together. It’s sweet, but I still prefer the talking frogs. I’d probably pay good money to see a horse-riding frog.

Taking a slightly different tack, Bud Light launches a runaway keg and films the wedding party’s mad, tumbling scramble down the hill to rescue the party barrel. The message is clear … beer, beer and more beer. Extra points for the slapstick attempt at humor.

Frank’s Red Hot Sauce ad features a super cool Goat wearing shades and bling, rapping to the beat of Ludacris, who oddly enough bears a strange resemblance to the singing ruminant. Suffice it to say, this ad ain’t gonna win the prize for Greatest Of All Time.

Dunkin Donuts, Grub Hub, Hellman’s Mayo, Instacart, Kellogg, Lays, Michelob Ultra, Nerds, Oikos Yogurt, Pepsi, Svedka Vodka (drunk-dancing robots anyone?) and Uber Eats all join in the gluttonous orgy, but Sabrina Carpenter dating a guy made out of Pringles takes the cake for most highly developed ridiculousness. I may never wake up with my hand stuck in a can again.

There’s an ad for Jesus and one for Jews, neither of which this writer will be touching with a 10-foot pole vaulter. Ditto for the half-time show’s Bad Bunny, the Puerto Rican rapper/wrestler whose talents have heretofore slipped by me. Apparently I will need my handy-dandy Spanish to English translator for his performance, since he no do English and me no comprende mucho.

So … bottoms up, vaya con Dios and buena suerte muchachas!

— j —

“I definitely feel closer to the feminine side of the human being than I do the male - or the American idea of what a male is supposed to be. Just watch a beer commercial and you'll see what I mean.” ~~ Kurt Cobain